How to Say No Without Guilt: Setting Boundaries as Boss Women
Why Saying “Yes” Isn’t Always Success
As women in leadership, we so want to prove ourselves, showing that we are in fact intelligent, competent, articulate, clever, resourceful and more. And in that quest we may initially be saying “YES” to everything that is thrown our way:
Yes, I can do that.
Yes, I can attend that meeting.
Yes, I can work after hours.
Yes, I can have that presentation ready by tomorrow morning.
Yes I can become your live ‘gene’.
All those Yes’s do accumulate and often set a precedent and expectation for people to walk all over us. Our colleagues and bosses have become used to us being able to magically do things and put things on our plate that aren’t ours. And what happens to us? We become exhausted, tired, anxious, depleted of energy, frustrated, stuck and/or angry. Our colleagues and bosses just keep piling things higher and higher and because we have become so used to saying “Yes give me more,” we have either and/or lost the confidence to say “NO” or to say “NO for now.” Our intention was to showcase our productivity and instead we have become the veritable door mat.
When Saying Yes Turns Into Self-Sabotage
Early on in my career, I was the go to “Yes” person. Boy did I want to show how ‘productive’ and efficient I was. The only time I said No was when I said :
No problem, I shall find a solution,
No problem, I shall find the time,
No problem, I can finish that on the weekend.
Well, very quickly I learnt that I was becoming resentful. How come James could go away for the weekend? How come no one else was staying late at night? How come I was feeling overwhelmed and so overstretched? There weren’t coaches then and going to a psychologist was seen as a career inhibiting move. (Thank goodness that has changed!) Someone said to me one day: If you keep up your pace, you’re going to crash and burn. One person shouldn’t be doing all of this. I remember asking - so what should I do then? And he simply said: “Start saying NO.”
Start saying NO I thought? Was that even an option? Start saying NO to who I thought and to what? I was miss efficient - I couldn’t possibly say “NO.” Or could I? In my case it took time and practice to start saying “NO” and as I said more NO’s it was so empowering! I was now putting healthy boundaries in place that were serving and saving me from burnout and resentment and the multitude of emotions that I was going through.
Building Boundaries That Protect Your Energy
When you say NO to something - look at it as you saying a YES to yourself.
When you start saying a NO, remember you are not responsible for how others react. You are only responsible for you.
When you say a NO to people whom you’ve been saying yes to, they may give you a lot of push back and ask WHY can’t you do a.b.c? Be as clear and short in your response.
For example: Can you finish off that report on the weekend. No I really can’t Simon: I have other commitments which can’t be changed.
If you have to work up to a NO , then practice saying NO when you’re brushing your teeth - NO, NO, NO —-- that’s a YES to me. A YES to my health, A YES to my sanity.
So NO, NO NO NO.
If someone chooses to throw their weight around and says I am going to escalate this to HR or to my boss; then say if that’s how you’d like to proceed then do and I shall take responsibility for my NO.
I always say to my clients that just as you’ve taught yourself to say YES over and over again, give yourself time and patience and grace to say NO. Practice, practice and practice and keep saying YES to yourself!
Start with Your Core Values
Before you can set meaningful boundaries, you need to know what you’re protecting. Your core values are your compass.
Ask yourself:
What are 5 core things that are true to you and that you absolutely stand by.
How do they show up (or not show up) in my daily life?
As an example my core 5 values are: Extreme excellence, Energy, Expansion, Integrity, and Love (in no particular order). If I take love, I daily examine how I have brought love into all areas of my life. It is easier for me to think of that value with my family members but I have also brought love to my clients. I do this by showing them compassion which goes beyond empathy and by really trying to put myself in their shoes, so that we can explore solutions to get them out of their pain. Just as I do my best to show patience, kindness, and care i.e love to my family members, I also do the same with my clients because this is a core value that I lead with.
Most people say that one of their top values is INTEGRITY. I haven’t come across someone who has admitted to me that they don’t do things in integrity. If integrity is indeed your core value but do you live it, or just say it? Do you have different facades in different situations? Why? This is the kind of deep reflection I walk my clients through in coaching.
In the areas where your core values do not ring through, you need to put boundaries in place with people, places, things and situations that are taking you away from them. The more time you invest in understanding your values and therefore where to place your boundaries - the more joy, peace and fulfilment you shall start experiencing.
Boundaries Are the Foundation of Authentic Leadership
For boss women, many of us are so used to being people pleasers, to compromising, to making ourselves small. Putting boundaries brings to light a fuller version of ourselves with ease and hope.
Again I repeat and end with:
If you’re looking for Peace, Joy, Fullness of Life, Joie de vivre, Abundance, and so much more in all areas of your life— put in those boundaries, stick to them, and know your non-negotiables! Then you can lead authentically.
So remember: saying NO isn’t selfish, it’s self-preservation. Every time you say “NO” to something that drains you, you’re saying “YES” to your health, your boundaries, and your long-term success.
Want support in setting boundaries without guilt? Book a free coaching call with me and let’s explore how you can say “NO” with confidence and “YES” to yourself.
